Setting Boundaries with Children
In the recent years we have seen a major shift in parenting styles. New parents are focusing a lot of their time on introspection and self-reflection, citing their own childhood as a motivating factor to move away from undesirable habits or behaviors that they learned from others. As a result, there is an influx of parents that are struggling to manage their children's behaviors out of fear of damaging their self-esteem or stifling their growth. This internal conflict holds the potential to be detrimental to a family's ability to function, so together, let's explore ways that we can overcome this.
What does it mean to set boundaries?
The idea of setting boundaries isn't about limiting your child, but rather teaching them how they can best respect themself and others. Giving them an opportunity to hear the perspective of another person, and also express their own perspective, creates a feeling of trust and opens the door for further positive communication. Really, setting boundaries is just the act of communicating openly about what you are and are not comfortable with. It's easy, in theory, but how does it really work?
How do I set boundaries?
This is something best initiated early on in your child's life (like, infancy early), however it's never too late! The first step to setting healthy boundaries is considering what your expectations are for both yourself and your child. This is something that you can include your child in, as well. Asking them what they do and don't appreciate will help them feel validated and understood, and also give you an accurate insight into their feelings. Once you have determined clear expectations, it is then time to communicate them to your child in a way that they can understand. This may sound something like:
"Hey buddy, I know that you really love playing rough with me, but sometimes when we play like that it hurts my body. From now on, I'd appreciate it if we practiced being a little more gentle with each other."
When opening this type of dialogue, it's important to firmly, but kindly, express exactly what it is that you want to convey. Don't beat around the bush or ask permission (for example, "is that okay with you?"). When you communicate clearly and concisely, it doesn't leave room to misinterpret or misunderstand the message. By avoiding asking for permission, you're setting the tone for the conversation by serving as a reminder that your boundaries are yours, and that nobody has the right to undermine them. This may not be something that your child wants to hear, especially if it involves something they enjoy, however a fact of life is that our kids can't always have what they want. As hard as it is, hearing "no, thank you" will teach children how to respect others and how to be resilient.
The key to setting boundaries is...
Consistency! If this isn't something that you or your little one is comfortable with then it will be very easy to revert back to old habits. To this I say NO, THANK YOU! Remaining consistent and following through on rules and expectations will lay the foundation for a more desirable outcome. Parenting is extremely hard, especially in the age of technology and instant gratification. Keep in mind that you are not alone in this, and that we are all navigating the world for the first time together. When it comes to our kids, we just have to remind ourselves of all the things we wish we had learned at their age, and do our best to be their lifelong teachers.
Now, when learning about setting boundaries, remember that your child deserves the same respect as you do. With that being said, all of these tips should be applied to them as well. Talk to your child often about what they think and feel about interactions that they've had with others. Discuss with them ideas to work through any conflicts that may arise, and encourage them to use their voice and stand up for what they believe. An outspoken child is one who will grow into a bold, fearless, and honest adult.
"I don't fear being outspoken. The only thing I fear is losing my sense of integrity or losing sight of the values on which I guide my life." - Constance Wu
For more information:
https://www.consciousmommy.com/post/setting-boundaries-with-children-how-to
https://childmind.org/article/teaching-kids-boundaries-empathy/
